Can I be honest? The holidays were unusually rough on our marriage this year. The combination of busyness, extra spending, and general exhaustion had us arguing more than usual. Our plates were full, but our grace and patience with each other were thin.
Sure, there were still moments of family magic during the Christmas season and our end-of-the-year vacation, but there were also moments that felt yuck! Know what I mean?
The other day, we snuggled up next to each other on the couch and tried to identify what was going on. Neither of us wanted to be here, so why were we in this uncomfortable pattern?
We both knew the answer before David said the phrase:
“War breaks out when resources are scarce.”
Its advice we got when we’re newly married, and it’s stuck in our vernacular because we’ve seen it to be true over and over again. Just like we learned in 9th-grade history class about global conflict, when resources (like oil, land, food, etc.) are limited, conflict errupts.
We’ve found the same to be true in our marriage. When resources (like time, finances, energy, space, emotional capacity, etc.) are scarce, conflict is usually not far behind.
And lately, we’ve been feeling a scarcity in nearly every area of our lives.
The more we talked, the more it became clear that many of the ways we were feeling a stretched are preventable with a little more intentionality and planning. Here are just a few examples:
The Resource of Money
Currently, we are feeling stretched financially because we were not fully aligned on our budget for Christmas (and now we are facing those inflated credit card bills.) Next year, we plan to create our budget in October and manage it more carefully throughout the holiday season.
The Resource of Time
We’ve recognized that our calendaring system is no longer working. While previously we’ve been fine managing our separate calendars, now that we’ve got three kids, each with their individual activities, we recognize the need to utilize a shared calendar and agree upon filters that help us not overcommit in the future.
The Resource of Energy
Lately, we’ve been into a Netflix show that’s been keeping us up too late. Cutting back a bit on our favorite show is a worthy trade-off for more rest, energy, and capacity to keep up with our busy kids.
It’s Not About Self-sufficiency
We also recognize that some of the load we carry is out of our control. For example, illness, walking through grief with friends, or unpredictability at work. And, those are opportunities for us to rely on the Lord together (2 Corinthians 12:9).
When our mentors gave us this advice originally, they never intended to set us on a path of self-reliance apart from God. They simply encouraged us to look at the places where we could wisely prevent a scarcity of resources (like not over-extending ourselves financially with a huge mortgage or limiting evening activities to protect family time.)
However, preventing a scarcity of resources (and the conflict that results) takes thoughtful intentionality.
Our Annual Marriage Reset (THE DIY Marriage Retreat)
One of our favorite ways to take inventory and prevent ourselves from overextending our resources is to work through a series of questions that help us reflect and reset as a couple. We call it our “Eseke Fiscal Year” (because we are nerds), but we also published it as a DIY Marriage Retreat Guide (complete with a sample schedule and tips for success) that you to download and use too.
If, like us, you are in need of a bit of reset. We’d love to invite you to check it out!
I’d love to know, have you it to be true that “war breaks out with resources are scarce”? What are ways you and your spouse have learned to safeguard against getting yourself into a position of preventable scarcity?
One Line That Helps Us Prevent Marriage Conflict

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