Augustin of Hippo, the 4th-century theologian, uses the metaphor of humanity “curved in on itself” (homo incurvatas in se) to describe sin. He explains that because of sin, our souls are warped, curved inward, and focused on ourselves, rather than opened up giving glory to their Creator (Romans 5:12-21, Eph. 2:2-3). And, Augustin says, we are born this way.
We don’t have to be theologians to recognize what Augustin described is true. No one has to teach a child to be selfish or whine. “Mine” tends to be a natural part of their vocabulary. (I know because, when I’m not abiding in Christ, it’s a natural part of mine too.)
The heartbreaking truth is we are pushing curved-in souls in strollers, driving them to school, and tucking them in at night. Our children may not have lived enough life to commit “big sins” but they know how to be selfish.
The good news is that as parents who follow Jesus, we have the gift of the Holy Spirit who is gently unwarping our souls and sanctifying us daily (1 Thess. 5:23, Phil. 1:6). We get the honor of introducing our kids to the most unselfish man who ever lived. We get to take them along on the journey as we learn to model Jesus and show them what an other-focused life looks like and how much joy it can bring.
Teaching selflessness to children is one of the most important gifts we can give to our kids. When children develop empathy and a desire to help others, they grow into compassionate, socially responsible adults. And perhaps most importantly, they gain a greater understanding of the character of our loving, self-sacrificing God.
But how can we encourage selflessness in kids in a world that often emphasizes individualism?
Here are a few ideas:
1. Model Selflessness
We can talk about selflessness all we want, but actions always speak louder than words. When our kids see us prioritizing others’ needs—whether it’s a friend in trouble or a family member who needs support—they begin to understand that helping others is a natural part of life. When we let others go first, serve without expectation, or shine the spotlight on others our children are watching and learning.
2. Be Interruptable
This one is convicting for me. Honestly, our family’s schedule does not always reflect our values of selflessness and service. If we want to model selfless service well, we need to have the margin to be interrupted when needs arise. While scheduling and prioritizing service events as a family is a great way to cultivate servant-heartedness, what our kids will remember most are the times we laid down our agenda to serve someone else. Selflessness often goes hand in hand with sacrifice and I need to be willing to model that too.
3. Encourage Small Acts of thoughtfulness
If you see something, say something! Things like sharing toys, complimenting a friend, or helping a sibling with chores are all great ways kids can practice selflessness. If you “catch them” doing something selfless, point it out and celebrate their thoughtful heart!
Our family has used sticker charts in the past to reward thoughtful behavior – which might be a helpful system in your home. But, here’s my disclaimer: Reward systems gave us a tangible way to celebrate good behavior, especially in the younger years, but as my girls got older we realized the charts weren’t fostering altruistic, servant-heartedness but, performance orientation. So we’ve paused those for now. Today, we mostly celebrate and encourage them verbally both one-on-one in the moment and during family meals.
4. Foster Empathy Through Stories and Conversations
Reading stories with moral lessons or engaging in conversations about the feelings of others can also be powerful tools for fostering selflessness. When our kids understand how others feel, they are more likely to act with compassion. These conversations can happen after reading a story or serving someone in the community. Ask questions like, “How do you think that person felt?” or “What could we do to help someone in that situation?” These discussions help children connect emotionally to others’ experiences, building a foundation for empathy. (Here’s a great list of books to get those conversations started!)
5. Give Children Plenty of Opportunities to Help
If we want to create a habit of helping, where serving others becomes second nature, we need to give our kids plenty of reps. And, that may require a bit of sacrifice on our part.
I’m often tempted to do things myself, because, let’s face it, when my kids “help” me it usually creates more work, but the lessons and confidence they gain when I entrust them with a task are invaluable. We can give them age-appropriate opportunities to help, whether it’s assisting with household chores, caring for a pet, or helping a neighbor with groceries. These activities allow our kids to practice selflessness in real-life situations.
6. Practice Gratitude
I wrote about gratitude recently, but it deserves a mention here too. We cannot truly be unselfish unless we recognize all we have is a gift from the Lord. We can help our kids develop an abundance mentality (rather than a scarcity mindset) by rooting them in the truth that we have a God who loves us, died for us, and provides for us (Romans 8:31-39). We are not lacking but blessed beyond measure and we can live selflessly with that perspective.
Conclusion
Fostering selflessness in children requires patience, consistency, and a commitment to leading by example. By modeling what it looks like to abide with Christ and be transformed to His likeness, encouraging acts of thoughtfulness, and providing opportunities to help, we have the opportunity to nurture a generation of children who are “uncurved.” Kids who are compassionate, empathetic, and eager to make a positive difference in the world, because they trust and know the One who provides for them.
What else am I missing? What other ways can we encourage selflessness in our children?
Raising Selfless Kids in a “Curved-in” World

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