I told myself I wouldn’t be resentful. I’d serve dinner with a genuine smile, not one of those forced, do-you-see-how-hard-I’m-working smirks. (Unfortunately, I’m good at those.)

But, minutes after he walked in the door from his business trip, I was plating salmon with a huff and spooning mashed potatoes far too aggressively. We tried to have a normal conversation above the chaos of dinnertime, but my short responses betrayed me.

I was frustrated. And, he knew it.

After a long week apart, we were both exhausted and felt entitled to rest. But, we had different ideas of how that would play out. Instead of a cozy night together as a family, the air between us was icy.

That night as we apologized to one another and attempted to reset, we revisited a lesson we learned in premarital counseling.

Expectations are everything.

“Communicate your expectations often and with humility.” That may be the most applicable marriage advice we’ve ever received. Twelve years in, I’m still amazed at how often misaligned expectations are the root of our conflict.

Here’s why: expectations are sneaky. They can be unspoken, unreasonable, or unrecognized.

Unspoken Expectations

In any relationship, things go better when we are careful to communicate our hopes and expectations so the other person knows how to meet them. Most of the time David and I want to meet the other’s expectations, but we fail because we haven’t made time to communicate. In marriage, we are constantly swimming against the currents of familiarity, busyness, and distraction.

As much as we know each other, it’s unfair for me to expect David to read my mind. We’ve found weekly check-ins to be a helpful time for us to communicate our hopes for the upcoming week and safely share our expectations. We also know that irregular events like holidays, travel, or celebrations require extra conversations. (Which we neglected to do on this last business trip!) It’s always better to overcommunicate than to assume.

Unreasonable Expectations

While it’s true that we have to be vigilant about communicating our expectations, we must be careful to be humble. Because, sometimes our expectations can be unreasonable.

Early in our marriage, I expected David to care for our yard the same way my dad did when I was growing up. As a California native, David was just learning the ins and outs of Texas lawn care. It was unfair for me to expect that he would be immediately efficient at something he knew very little about. 

Over the years, we’ve learned to approach one another with humility rather than entitlement and to search our hearts before demanding something of the other. Before I launch into sharing something with David, I try to make it a practice to pause and ask the Lord, “Is this a reasonable expectation?” I need to ask God to “test and examine my ways” (Psalm 26:2) because I know I am susceptible to selfishness. 

Unrecognized Expectations

Possibly the biggest culprit of conflict in our marriage is unrecognized expectations. When our lives are moving quickly, it’s easy for an expectation to go unnoticed until it’s been violated or unmet. (That was the case last weekend.)

I tend to be especially oblivious to my expectations when I’ve been out of sync with God. Conversely, when I’m abiding in Christ and seeking the Holy Spirit for direction, I’m quicker to sniff out unreasonable expectations. And I’m more confident in asserting my reasonable ones.

Diligence and Humility

I’m not sure David and I will ever get to a place where expectations won’t be a prime suspect in our conflicts. But, I hope we can grow in our diligence and humility in communicating our expectations so we can leave less unspoken, surrender what’s unreasonable, and uncover the expectations we have yet to recognize.  I pray the same for your marriage and relationships too!

“Clothe yourselves, with humility toward one another, for God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.” 1 Peter 5:5

One rhythm we’ve found to be helpful in our own marriage (in addition to weekly check-ins) is to dedicate time annually for a more in-depth conversation about our hopes and dreams for our life together. We recently pulled the questions we’ve been asking one another for the past decade out of our journal and published it in a downloadable DIY Marriage Retreat Guide so we can share it with friends. You can download it below.